


Life as a Ghoul

by kyanitedragon



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28180758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyanitedragon/pseuds/kyanitedragon
Summary: Kaneki Ken is a natural-born full ghoul, and Hideyoshi Nagachika is his human best friend. Kaneki always knew that ghoul life was hard, but he never realized to what extent that was true.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Kirishima Touka, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Nagachika Hideyoshi, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There'll be two chapters of prequels to set up everything, and then the story will officially begin in Chapter 3

_“What a pathetic way for a ghoul to die!”_

Kaneki Ken was 10 years old and mourning the death of his mom. It had only been a few days ago, after all.

Yet all the ghouls around him kept insulting his mother. She didn’t die because of the CCG or because of an attack from another ghoul. She died because she overworked herself. 

No ghouls would pity her or her son for that kind of death. Not even her own sister — Kaneki’s aunt. The one that Kaneki now had to live with until he was legally old enough to live on his own.

“Kaneki?” Someone called out.

Kaneki flinched, and he let out a soft whine as he curled himself into a ball, wishing he could just disappear.

“Kaneki! What are you doing here?” 

Kaneki could hear someone climbing up the whale statue to sit at his side.

“Please just leave me alone, Hide...” Kaneki muttered.

“I heard about what happened...” Hide whispered. “I went to your aunt’s place, and you weren’t there. I was worried about you. I’m glad I found you here.”

Hide reached out and began to comfortingly rub Kaneki’s back.

“I don’t want to talk about it...” Kaneki muttered.

“Then don’t.” Hide said. “But I’m still gonna be here for you, at your side. Always.”

Kaneki crawled closer and rested his head in Hide’s lap. Hide kept rubbing his back, and brushed through his hair with his other hand.

-Middle School-

As his bullies beat him up, Kaneki didn’t fight back. He merely grunted as he took all the hits. He didn’t even try to dodge them.

He couldn’t fight back. If he did, then he could severely hurt them and reveal himself as a ghoul. 

But it didn’t really matter. The hits from these fellow teenagers didn’t hurt. Humans weren’t capable of harming a ghoul. It was more annoying than anything. 

With one strong shove, Kaneki was knocked off balance and he went tumbling down onto the ground.

“Oi! Get away from him!”

Kaneki looked up just in time to see Hide running over, and sucker-punching the lead bully in the jaw. Kaneki laughed at the sight — Hide was a lot shorter than both the bully and him.

The bully staggered back at the blow, and his two lackeys stared in shock. Then they all ran off.

“Yeah! You better run!” Hide yelled at them. Once they were gone, he helped Kaneki up.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine.” Kaneki muttered, pulling away from his friend. He didn’t need Hide getting suspicious that he had no marks whatsoever after receiving a beating.

“You need to fight them back!” Hide cried out.

“I can’t...” Kaneki whispered.

“Why not? Just...” Hide gently tapped Kaneki’s shoulder with his fist as a demonstration. “Or yell at them or get a teacher. Do _something!”_

“I’m okay, Hide. I’ll be fine.” Kaneki said, forcing a smile.

Hide sighed and began to walk off. “You need to take a self-defense class or something, Kaneki!”

_If only he knew..._

-High School-

Hide frowned as he watched Kaneki eat. Kaneki had been a lot more quiet today than usual.

“Is everything okay?” Hide asked.

“Huh? Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?” Kaneki responded, rubbing his chin.

Hide didn’t answer, and Kaneki looked away and went back to eating, assuming the topic was dropped. 

_Fine. I guess it's up to me to figure it out, then._

Over the next week, Hide paid extra attention to his best friend. And eventually he realized what was going on — Kaneki was going hungry. Hide knew that his aunt hadn’t been treating him well lately, but Hide never would have imagined she’d reduce herself to this!

“Here.” Hide said, pushing his lunchbox over to Kaneki.

“What? Hide, no, that’s yours.”

Hide let his gaze turn serious. “I know what’s going on, Kaneki.”

Kaneki’s eyes widened in horror. “You do?!”

Hide frowned. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault.”

“But—!”

“It’s your aunt’s. I know she’s not giving you enough food or money. So take some of my lunch.”

“Oh...” Kaneki sighed in relief. “Wait, no! Hide, this— It’s yours. I’m not going to take your food.”

“And I’m not going to let you starve!”

“But... it’s not going to help...” Kaneki muttered.

“I know I can’t do much. But even a little bit will help, right? So just take the rest of my food.” Hide smiled gently at him. “I’m good with what I’ve already eaten. I promise. So don’t worry about me.”

“Hide. I can’t.” Kaneki repeated.

“I insist. I’m not taking no for an answer, Kaneki. You gotta eat and take care of yourself!”

Kaneki sighed. “Alright, fine.” He hesitated, and then finally ate Hide’s food. Hide smiled at him.

Kaneki was grateful for Hide’s concern, he really was. He just wished that eating human food would help him.

Kaneki groaned as he sat on the school’s bathroom floor. His hungry stomach was roiling after being filled with that disgusting human food. 

_I guess a stomach ache is better than me losing control, though._

This way he could remain at school. Even if his health suffered, he wouldn’t be found out.

_Thanks, Hide._

_“You’re almost an adult and you’re not even my own child! If you want food, go hunt on your own!”_

Kaneki muttered angrily under his breath as he wandered around the city streets. Humans were all around him, and they all smelled vastly different but all so good.

_But I can’t. It isn’t right._

Kaneki groaned to himself. He never really liked being a ghoul, but it was easy enough to put up with when you were being cared for and fed by others. But at this point, he could no longer ignore the reality of what he was and what his kind needed to do to survive.

He needed to find food. He needed to hunt.

“But I can’t do that...” Kaneki whispered in defeat as he ducked into an alley and sat down. He couldn’t attack and kill someone. It wasn’t right.

_Why did I need to be born a ghoul...?_

He always knew the day would come when he would need to learn to find food himself, but he had hoped that his mother would be at his side, teaching him how to easily find food and easing his conscience. He didn’t expect his aunt to stop feeding him altogether and force him to find his own way to hunt.

“I’m gonna die like this...” Kaneki muttered. And maybe it would be for the best. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he was a killer.

“Oi! What’s a brat like you doing here?!”

Kaneki flinched and jumped to his feet. Three adult ghouls were surrounding him.

“I, uh— I just—” Kaneki stammered. And then he let his kakugan activate, to prove that he was one of them.

“Ah, so you _are_ a ghoul, after all!”

“You really reek of humans, kid!”

“Yeah, I am a ghoul!” Kaneki laughed awkwardly. He slowly inched sideways, back towards the street. “So I’ll just... be on my way now...!”

The ghouls quickly surrounded him and cut him off from his exit.

“Not so fast, kid. This area’s our turf.”

“Huh?” Kaneki’s eyes widened. “I didn’t know! I wasn’t— I wasn’t hunting! I was just passing through!”

“Doesn’t matter. Look, you’re a kid, so we’ll let you off easy...”

Kaneki sighed in relief.

“We won’t kill you.”

_Wait. What._

The three ghouls pounced at him, and Kaneki screamed. He tried to release his kagune, but it wouldn’t come out. He tried to dodge the ghouls’ incoming attacks, but his movements were sluggish. 

_What’s going on?!_

Kaneki screamed again as two of the ghouls caught hold of him. Kaneki squirmed and bit them, but the ghouls merely tightened their grip and started beating him.

Kaneki thought he had been used to beatings. For years, human bullies would gang up on him and beat him up. But this was the first time he had been attacked by fellow ghouls. The first time he had blood drawn. The first time he felt actual pain.

“Next time watch where you’re going. Other ghouls won’t be quite as nice as we are.”

The trio of ghouls walked away.

Kaneki spit out the blood in his mouth and glared at them. He tried to move, but his whole body burned and ached. He groaned in pain as he checked his wounds. He had several cuts, but they were already starting to heal and close up. 

He was so glad he had high regenerative abilities.

He would heal quickly, but he was still bloodied and exhausted. He’d never be able to make it back home like that. And his aunt wouldn’t be happy about him getting beat up, either.

Kaneki pulled out his phone, staring at it as he started to cry.

_Please. I need somebody to help right now, and you’re my only hope._

As he listened to his phone dial, he didn’t even care if this plan could get him killed.

Kaneki didn’t move as he let his injuries finish healing. He was already weak and tired; he’d need all the strength he could preserve. The only thing he cared about was getting his kakugan to deactivate, which took a long time and a lot of concentration. After that, he just closed his eyes and waited.

“Kaneki! Oh my God, I was hoping you were joking, or exaggerating, or something!”

Kaneki cracked his eyes open to see Hide run over and bend down beside him.

“That’s... a lot of blood, oh my god.” Hide whispered. “A-are you okay? I mean, of course you’re not _okay_ , but—” 

“I’ll be okay.” Kaneki cut him off. “Help me up.”

“Are you sure? Aren’t you not supposed to move if you get hurt like this?”

“I’m fine, it’s worse than it looks. Help me up.” Kaneki said firmly, hoping and praying that Hide wouldn’t push any questions.

“Okay.” Hide said as he held out his hand, and helped Kaneki up once he took it.

“Thank you for coming...”

“Of course! I couldn’t just ignore a call like that!” Hide cried out. He ducked under Kaneki’s left arm and supported his body. “Here! I’ll bring you to the hospital!”

Hide started walking, but Kaneki stood his ground and yelled, “No!”

“No?!” Hide repeated. “Do you know how bad you look, Kaneki?! You just got— What even happened to you?! A mugging? Kidnapping? You look like you got stabbed or something with the amount of blood on you.”

“I didn’t get stabbed.” Kaneki said quickly. “I got—” He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t think of a believable excuse.

“Yeah?” Hide pressed.

Kaneki whined and shook his head. 

_This is so stupid. What was I thinking?_

“Okay, I get it, you don’t want to talk about it.” Hide whispered. He took a step closer, and carefully started examining Kaneki’s body. Kaneki let him. Hide looked for cuts, and felt for bruises and broken bones. He couldn’t find anything. Aside from the blood covering his skin, he couldn’t find anything wrong with Kaneki at all.

“What the hell happened?” Hide muttered to himself. “You look like you murdered someone.”

“I didn’t!” Kaneki gasped. He looked about ready to cry.

“I-I know! I was just kidding! Nevermind.” Hide said, giving Kaneki a worried and confused look. _Did he see someone get murdered or something then?_ Hide wondered. _He’s not hurt but he’s completely covered in blood. I can’t figure out why._

“I just wanna go home...” Kaneki whispered. He went limp, leaning his head against Hide’s shoulder.

Hide sighed. “Alright, I’ll help you. Come on.”

He stripped off his jacket and gave it to Kaneki, so that he could cover most of the blood and they wouldn’t get stared at. And then Hide helped to support him as he walked him back to his aunt’s place. 

Hide watched closely as Kaneki snuck inside his apartment and into the hallway. If his aunt heard the two of them come inside, she didn’t say anything. Kaneki snuck into the bathroom, and then stripped down to his underwear and washed the blood off himself. Once he finished, Kaneki snuck into his bedroom, quickly throwing clean sleep clothes on before collapsing onto his bed. And then he started to cry. 

Hide watched the whole thing in silence. He was completely lost. He was confused, and worried, but mostly scared. His best friend had likely gone through something awful and traumatic, in addition to whatever abuse he was getting from his aunt, and Hide had no idea how to help him.

Hide walked closer and sat beside Kaneki, running his hands through his hair.

“Hide...” Kaneki whispered, his voice cracking. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“For what? I didn’t do anything...” Hide felt so powerless.

Kaneki reached out and squeezed his hand. “Thank you for being here.”

Kaneki eventually cried himself to sleep, and only then Hide decided to take his leave. On his way out of the hallway, him and Kaneki’s aunt made eye contact. She glared at him but didn’t say a word. Hide gave a dirty look back at her before he left the apartment. Once back home, Hide texted Kaneki to let him know that he was available to talk anytime, and that Kaneki was always welcome at his place.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaneki still had to find a way to get food for himself. He knew he could never kill people, so he decided to instead become a scavenger. Whenever he had free time, he’d wander the alleys of the 20th Ward. It was risky — he could run into violent and territorial ghouls again. But it was better than starving to death or becoming a killer.

Some days he was lucky; he’d find the leftovers of a ghoul’s kill and feed on that. But those days were rare and very far between, and always came with the stress and fear of being approached by a territorial ghoul or the CCG. Kaneki was mostly getting by on the human food that Hide was providing him, but that was slowly poisoning him.

All this went on for months, and his health was really bad and only growing worse.

One day while searching alleys, Kaneki heard a girl yelling for help. He quickly ran closer to see what was going on. A human school girl was getting harassed by a much older man.

“Oi! Let go of her!” Kaneki yelled. His kakugan activated without him meaning to, and his instincts told him to kill this man. For once, he didn’t try to push them down. He ran toward the two of them, yelling out and aiming his hand, ready to impale the man once he reached them.

“Eh? What the hell are you—?” The man asked, but before Kaneki reached him, something (or rather, someone) sliced into his head, instantly killing him. Blood splattered onto Kaneki, and he skidded to a stop, confused. He reflexively licked the warm blood off his upper lip. It was fresh, and tasted so good compared to what he had been eating for the past couple months.

“Gross. I hate old man meat...” A voice muttered.

Kaneki snapped out of it, and focused on the girl in front of him.

He gaped. She was a ghoul!

Her kakugan were activated, blood was splattered on her face, and she was glaring at the corpse.

“What are you staring at?” She snapped, glancing up at him.

Kaneki flinched. “Nothing! I just, uh— Are you okay?”

She crossed her arms. “He’s dead now. Of course I’m okay.”

“Alright, alright. I was just asking.” Kaneki said, putting his arms up placatingly as he slowly backed up. He had real bad experiences with ghouls, and he really didn’t want to get beat up or killed by this ghoul girl.

But after a few steps back, his stomach growled, and then the hunger pains hit him, and Kaneki groaned as he collapsed to his knees.

“...Are you okay?” The ghoul girl asked, and surprisingly her voice sounded gentle.

With each inhale he took, Kaneki could smell the corpse in front of him. He wanted it. He wanted fresh meat so badly. But he knew that it was unlikely this ghoul would share it with him.

“Go ahead.” She said.

“Wha—?”

“Go on, you can eat.” She repeated.

“But... he’s your kill.”

“Not really.” She grimaced. “I just got mad and accidentally killed him. He’ll probably taste bad, but if you’re hungry and really wanna eat, go ahead.”

Kaneki swallowed down a mouthful of saliva, shocked that this ghoul had been so friendly, and then lunged and gorged himself. He ate until he was full, and when he was done he glanced up to see the girl crouched down a short distance off from him. She had been watching him as he ate.

Kaneki wiped the blood off his face, and turned away, an embarrassed blush dusting his cheeks. He’d never had anyone but his mother see him eat before, and especially not eating ravenously like that.

“Hey.” The ghoul girl spoke, voice still gentle. “You were starving. Why?”

Kaneki sighed, deciding to be honest. “My aunt stopped giving me food. I’ve been scavenging in the meantime, but I have no idea how to actually get reliable food for myself.”

The girl blinked. “She just... stopped feeding you?”

Kaneki nodded. “Yeah.”

The girl growled, and slammed her fist against the alley wall. Kaneki flinched, and scrambled back. He thought she was mad at him for some reason.

“Hey.” She said firmly as she stood. “Come with me.”

“Uhh...”

“I know someone who can help you.”

Kaneki timidly followed the ghoul, and she led him through the alleys into the back entrance of some building. 

“Sit here.” She commanded as she pointed to a couch. It looked like the break room of some workplace.

Kaneki did as she told him, and then she walked off. He sat there nervously twiddling his thumbs for several minutes. And then the ghoul girl finally returned, with an old man behind her.

“So,” The old man began, “Touka-chan has told me that you’re in need of food?”

Kaneki blinked, glancing at the ghoul girl. “Touka-chan?” He asked.

“Yup. That’s me.” She said flatly.

The older man sat down across from Kaneki. “I’m Yoshimura, the manager. What’s your name?”

“...Kaneki. Ken Kaneki.”

“Do you know where you are, Kaneki-kun?”

Kaneki shook his head dumbly.

“This is Anteiku. We’re a safe haven for ghouls.”

Kaneki’s eyes widened. He knew Anteiku! They had the best coffee! He and Hide came here often! He knew some of the workers were ghouls, but he had no idea the whole shop was ghoul-run!

“If you would like, we could provide guilt-free food for you, in exchange for working here?”

“G-guilt... free...?” Kaneki asked. 

_How could it be? Don’t we need to eat—?_

Yoshimura seemed to know what he was thinking, “We collect it from suicides. People that are already dead.”

Kaneki blinked. “Oh. Wow.”

“So, what do you say, Kaneki-kun?”

_What do I say?! I get food — guilt-free food, at that — and don’t need to become a killer?!_

“I’ll join!” Kaneki said confidently with a nod.

Yoshimura smiled, “Glad to have you, Kaneki-kun!”

Kaneki started working the next day. He began as mostly a bust-boy, while learning how to make coffee from Yoshimura and a few of the other Anteiku workers.

After his first successful day, Kaneki told Hide that he had gotten a job, obviously leaving the ghoul-specifics out, and Hide had been excited for him. It was his first job.

Hide also said that he would come visit Kaneki when he had time, and that made Kaneki a little nervous.

“So, Anteiku.” Kaneki began, asking the manager when he had time one day. “Is it just for ghouls, or...?”

“Anteiku’s purpose is to help our fellow ghouls. But we also need humans here to act like our textbooks. We need to observe and learn how to act human from them.”

Kaneki nodded slowly in understanding. It made sense, since not all ghouls went to school or had regular human interaction like he did.

“Besides,” Yoshimura added with a smile as he began to walk away. “I like them.”

Kaneki stared at him as he left.

_He likes them? In what way...?_

And actually, that went for all his ghoul co-workers.

“Oi, Kaneki.” Touka said as she peeked into the breakroom. “Someone’s asking for you.”

Kaneki had been tasked with putting away and organizing the coffee, but he put down the brands and entered the main shop to see who had wanted to see him.

“Kaneki!” A cheerful voice cried out as soon as he had the door opened.

“Hide?” Kaneki gasped.

Hide was standing some distance off, leaning on the counter.

“You look good!” Hide told him, looking him up and down.

Kaneki blushed. “Um, thanks. What are you doing here?”

“I said I was gonna come visit you one day!” Hide said. “Come take my order when you get the chance, okay?” He went to take a seat.

Kaneki glanced at Touka for permission.

“Whatever.” Touka shrugged. “You can take his order and even make his drink if you want. Just make sure to finish organizing the coffee before your shift ends.”

Kaneki nodded and smiled at her. “Thanks, Touka-chan!”

After Hide left, Kaneki went back into the breakroom to finish his original task. Touka followed him, and plopped on the couch.

There was a moment of silence.

_What is she doing here? I didn’t think her shift ended yet._

“So, that’s your human friend, huh?” Touka asked.

Kaneki smiled. “Yeah! His name’s Hide.”

“I don’t like him.” Touka stated flatly.

“Huh?”

“He’s too perceptive.” Touka explained. “You haven’t noticed that?”

“I have, but...” Kaneki trailed off. 

_But I thought it was just me that thought that._

Touka sighed. She stood and walked back into the main shop. “Just don’t get us killed along with you.”

“Do you have a human friend?” Kaneki asked later on, when they were just about to leave for the day.

“Yeah, I do.”

“What’s their name?”

“Her name is Yoriko.”

“Does she ever come in here? You should point her out!”

“No, I don’t let her come here.”

“Oh...”

Nonetheless, Kaneki smiled. He knew Touka cared for her human friend. He could tell. She was the same as him.

Touka walked off.

“Ah, bye, Touka-chan!”

Touka waved without glancing back.

Kaneki’s aunt eventually found out about his job, but Kaneki never told her that Anteiku was ghoul-run or that he was getting food out of it. She had to have known that he was looking healthier lately, but she never asked him how he was getting by.

“Kaneki-kun? Do you have a mask?”

“A mask?” Kaneki asked. “Why would I need a mask?”

_Don’t only those violent ghouls on the news wear masks?_

“It’s so that if any strangers ever see you as a ghoul, or you run into doves, your face will be covered.” 

“Oh.” Kaneki whispered. That made a lot of sense. “Um, how do I get one?”

“There’s a mask maker in the 4th Ward. I’ll have Touka-chan show you there.”

“Hah?!” Touka cried out from the other side of the room.

At Touka’s insistence, Kaneki allowed her to train him. It was really rough at first, but Kaneki was a fast learner and quickly got the hang of it. He worked out on his own time, and put on a lot of muscle. It was pretty incredible. He’d always been on the tall side, but real skinny and lanky, and now he was putting on weight and muscle.

The only problem was, it conflicted with how he presented himself in the human world. He always played up his introverted nature — allowing himself to be read as a shy, quiet, and weak human nerd. He couldn’t really keep up that reputation if he was buff. 

So he started wearing sweaters and layers to hide his new body. And he also started avoiding physical contact with Hide. He didn’t need his best friend noticing his muscles during a hug. It took a few times of blocking or dodging, but soon enough Hide caught on and backed off. Kaneki felt bad; he knew Hide enjoyed the physical contact and Kaneki did too, but it was just something he couldn’t risk anymore.

“Kaneki-kun. You should understand that there may be times where you will need to kill to feed. There’s no guarantee that Anteiku will always have food, or that Anteiku will always exist. It’s better to learn how to hunt now.”

Kaneki swallowed nervously, but nodded in understanding. The idea of him needing to hunt and kill haunted his mind for the rest of the day.

“Touka-chan, can I ask you a question?”

“What is it?”

“When you hunt... How do you do it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You have a human friend like me. How do you hunt another human without feeling guilty?”

Touka looked down. It seemed to bother her more than she usually showed. “Well, we need to eat to survive. We don’t have a choice. To live, to be with my friend more, I need to hunt.”

Kaneki understood, and he knew it was true, but he was still conflicted. 

Touka sighed. “Look. When you hunt, you can target whoever you want. If you really feel that guilty about taking a human’s life, then just go after bad people. Like that pervert I killed when we met?”

Kaneki nodded slowly in understanding. If he had to kill — if he had no choice but to hunt to survive — then at least it would be better if someone bad were to die.

“Hey. I’m sorry about how I’ve been acting since we first met.” Touka said out of the blue one day at work.

“Huh?” Kaneki asked.

“It’s nothing you did.” Touka said, her voice gentle and vulnerable. “It’s just that… everyone I’ve cared about has left me. My mom, my dad. And I lost my brother a few months before I met you. I was afraid to open up and get attached to anyone else, I guess. But you’re a really nice person, Kaneki. I’m glad you joined us.”

“Thank you.” Kaneki whispered. He always tried to be, but he never knew how he came off to other people, so it meant a lot for Touka to tell him that. “And it's okay. I understand. I lost my mom and dad too.”

Touka smiled sadly at him. “It’s not fair, is it?”

“It’s not.” Kaneki sighed. “But that’s why I love this place. None of us are blood-related, but… you all care for me so much more than my only remaining family.”

“Anteiku really is a wonderful place.”

One day, a ghoul mother and her daughter came to visit. The mother Ryoko was old friends of Yoshimura, and apparently she often came to visit and brought her daughter Hinami along, who had become friends with Touka a few years ago. 

After just a short while of talking, Hinami and Kaneki hit it off extremely well. So much so, that after Hinami left, Touka said she was jealous. She said that Hinami was usually much more shy around strangers. 

Kaneki felt the same way. Usually he was shy too, and even when he managed to come out of his shell he rarely connected with people and made actual friends. But Hinami shared his interest in books and words and kanji, and they talked for hours.

Whenever Ryoko and Hinami came to visit, Kaneki and Hinami always made time to hang out together and for Kaneki to teach her new kanji and their readings. 

And as time passed, Ryoko opened up to Kaneki as well. She was very kind and gentle and understanding, and would listen to his vents when he was having troubles. Kaneki didn’t remember all too much of his mother, since he was pretty young when she died, and she was always so busy, and many of his memories from his years as a young child were fuzzy. Even though he didn’t see Ryoko too often, he felt like she was becoming his new mother. 

And it seemed like Ryoko was beginning to consider him her son, too. She welcomed him into their family, and Kaneki even made a few trips to their Ward to visit them.

Touka rolled her eyes when she saw the love struck face on Kaneki all day.

“Oi, Kaneki, you do realize he’s just trying to trick you, right?”

“Huh?”

“He’s a cannibal. And a perv. He just wants to eat you.”

“Are you sure? He likes books like I do, and we had fun talking to each other!”

“He was just talking you up and trying to get your guard down! The same thing ghouls do to their human prey! Just... don’t be an idiot. Be careful around him.”

“Okay. Thanks for looking out for me, Touka-chan.”

“What?! I’m not looking out for you! It’s just that if you die, I’ll get one less day off!”

She threw the rag at him, and Kaneki laughed. 

“You were right, Touka-chan.” Kaneki said a week later, when he came into work.

“Of course I am!” Touka grinned playfully. And then she noticed the haunted and heartbroken look on Kaneki’s face, so she gently asked. “...Right about what?”

“Tsukiyama-san.”

Touka grimaced. “Oh.” She walked over beside Kaneki.

“He really did just want to eat me.” Kaneki whispered sadly, getting to work. “I really thought he was nice, that there was a ghoul out there with the same interests as me...”

So often Kaneki felt alone. There were no ghouls like him out in the world that he could find. The Anteiku crew was the closest he got, but even they had such dark pasts and dark sides. They were so different from him. All ghouls were.

“I guess there really are no ghouls like me out there.” Kaneki muttered.

“What about Hinami-chan?” Touka countered.

“Hinami-chan is wonderful, but she’s four years younger than me. I’m talking about someone my age. Who I could talk to about experiences and issues. Besides, we both know there’s not many ghouls out there like Hinami-chan. She’s special. And lucky.”

Touka sighed sadly. “I guess you’re right.” She was often jealous that Hinami had both of her parents still alive. 

Touka came closer and rubbed Kaneki’s back. “I’m sorry. I know I’m very different from you, and that I’m not very good at this kind of stuff, but… I’ll always be here for you.”

Kaneki lunged and hugged her. She tensed, but then hugged back a moment later.

“Thank you for being my friend.” Kaneki whispered. “I’m grateful for it. I love you.”

Touka smiled. “I love you too, idiot.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we’re in the present and the story can officially begin!

“You could be a ghoul, Kaneki!” Hide called out loudly with a grin.

Kaneki merely sighed and rolled his eyes. “Idiot.” He picked up his cup of black coffee. “If I were a ghoul, you’d be dead already.” He took a sip, completely calm despite the very  _ correct _ accusation his friend was making.

But Hide was always like this. Over the years of Kaneki being his best friend, Hide had always expressed an interest in the subject of ghouls, and oftentimes joked that Kaneki was one. Hide was never serious, and in a strange way Kaneki was grateful for the jokes. They allowed Kaneki to practice his bluffs, for if anyone ever truly did think he was a ghoul. 

“What do you think a ghoul looks like?” Hide mused.

Kaneki hummed. He wasn’t sure what to say. Obviously he knew the true answer, but what did humans think about ghouls? The news always talked about ghouls like they were scary monsters that only happened to be able to take human form. Kaneki wasn’t sure if he would be able to say that out loud, though. He was getting heated up just thinking about it.

Before he could say anything, Kaneki’s phone alarm went off. 

_ Saved by the bell. _

“Sorry. My shift’s starting.” Kaneki stated, standing up.

“Time for me to go to class too.” Hide took a swig of what remained of his coffee, and then stood up and threw his backpack on. “Have a great day!”

“You too!”

Hide waved goodbye and left, and then Kaneki made his way into the backroom to change into his work uniform. When he returned, Touka was there waiting for him, leaning against the wall and giving him a look.

“What’d I do this time?” Kaneki asked.

“I overheard your friend earlier.” She replied.

“So?” Kaneki asked. He thought back to what he and Hide had been conversing about all morning, and what of those conversations would be concerning to Touka. “...Oh. Oh!”

Touka raised a brow. “So you’re going to take care of it?”

“It’s not what you think! He was just kidding!” Kaneki said. He didn’t need Touka getting the wrong idea.

“Are you sure?” She gave him a pointed look.

“Come on.” Kaneki rolled his eyes. “You really think that he’d shout it out so happily if he really thought I was a ghoul? No one’s that stupid.”

Touka crossed her arms. “Well, be careful. You know that he’s perceptive and dangerous.”

Kaneki nodded slowly. “I know...”

Touka gave a single nod in return, content with that answer, and then went back to work. Kaneki followed after her, frowning. 

Many ghouls disapproved of his friendship with Hide. Human friends were fine to have, but Hide was one of the more riskier humans to befriend. Despite that, Kaneki refused to cut Hide out of his life. They’d know each other for so long. Hide had been Kaneki’s only friend for the first 15 years of his life. Kaneki couldn’t lose him.

Hide wasn’t allowed in the backrooms of Anteiku. And he also wasn’t allowed to be there for too long before opening or after hours. And it wasn’t because of anything he did, as far as he knew. It was just the way it always had been. He asked Kaneki about it once, and Kaneki had simply said that Anteiku was strict about those kinds of things. But at many times it seemed that this limited access rule only applied to Hide. He often saw many customers greet one of the Anteiku waiters and then be allowed in the backroom, or even into the apartment above. Hide was jealous, but whenever he brought it up with Kaneki he was always shut down. Kaneki always insisted that only friends of the manager were allowed there. 

So instead of hanging out in the apparently secret access rooms of Anteiku, Hide and Kaneki would go and visit other coffee shops. It was a bit strange at first, how after all day of serving coffee Kaneki wanted to go to another shop to drink some. But Kaneki was a coffee lover who was always looking for another good coffee shop. He was so picky, Anteiku was one of the only places he enjoyed. He’d always complain about the taste anywhere else, but he still seemed determined to find a good shop to rival Anteiku. Hide didn’t mind. He thought it was fun to research other shops and try new places and new blends.

They were at one of these new places now. 

Hide munched on his sandwich across from Kaneki, who was having a cup of coffee and reading a book. 

He was  _ always _ reading a book.

“Oh, Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki...” Hide drawled out before sighing dramatically. “One day the world is going to end and you’re not going to even notice because you’ll have your head stuck in a book.”

Kaneki glanced up from his book to lock eyes with Hide. “...I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Hide swung his head back and groaned.

“I’m kidding!” Kaneki laughed.

“Fine, I believe you. But I know you’ve done that to me for real before! Don’t even try to deny it!” He pointed an accusatory finger at Kaneki.

“Yeah, okay, I have...” Kaneki grimaced.

Hide continued, “But seriously, you need to pay more attention to your surroundings. I swear, you’re gonna end up gobbled up by a ghoul one of these days.”

“A ghoul, huh?” Kaneki asked.  _ What’s his deal with ghouls lately?  _ He flipped to the next page in his book. “I’m fine, Hide. I can handle myself.”

“Between the two of us, you definitely would get attacked before me.”

Kaneki blinked, and then looked back up at Hide. “Why would you say that?”

Hide smiled at him. “Kaneki, I love you, but sometimes you can be such a stereotypical naive nerd! You’re such easy pickings for a ghoul!”

“Excuse me?!” Kaneki cried out. “I think a ghoul would go after you first!”

“Is this about me being shorter than you?!” Hide narrowed his eyes, taking offense to that. “Well then, I bet ghouls would go after  _ you _ first, because they’d like that you have more meat on your bones!”

“Nah, I think they’d go after  _ you _ first, because you work out, unlike bookworm me that just sits inside and reads books all day!”

“Well, I bet that because of that, you’re easier to catch than me!” Hide shot back.

Kaneki laughed. “Oh, come on! We both know I’m faster than you and always have been.”

“I know and it’s so unfair!” Hide cried out, slamming his hand down on the table. “Okay, fine! Then... A ghoul would just talk you up with books, luring you in like a siren!”

“Like a siren, huh?” Kaneki smirked. “Well, you sure have a lot more interests to pick from than me.”

“Well, you would never even know they were a ghoul! You can be so naive sometimes!”

“You’re the one that loves to talk to people! You never shut up! You would go on and on talking to the ghoul and not realize until it was too late and you were already being eaten alive!”

Hide just stared at him. For a moment Kaneki wondered if he went too far and got too graphic. 

And then Hide started laughing.

Kaneki started laughing too. “Are we seriously arguing about who’d be more likely to get eaten by a ghoul?!”

“I guess we are!” Hide finally stopped laughing and caught his breath, and then smiled softly at his friend. “I don’t want you to get eaten by a ghoul.”

“I don’t want you to either.” Kaneki replied, smiling back at him.

Rize Kamishiro was a beautiful girl. She was new to the 20th Ward and she didn’t go to Kamii (or any college, as far as Hide knew) but she was quickly getting to be well-known and popular with the boys around the campus. 

“Hello, Hide-san.” Rize said, a dreamy tone to her voice. She gently grabbed Hide’s arm, and ran her hand up to rest on his shoulder. “Are you having a good day today?”

“Um, yeah, I guess. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, just visiting a friend.” She smiled.

Hide forced a smile back, glancing at her hand that was still on him. He was starting to get uncomfortable.

Rize blinked and swiveled her head. “Hm? Ah, Ka—”

Suddenly Rize was torn off Hide. Hide grunted as she tried to hold on and dig her nails into his shoulder, but she was yanked away from him before she got a good grip.

“Get the fuck off him!”

Hide blinked as he looked up at Kaneki, who was holding Rize firmly in place.

“Oh, Kaneki-san. You shouldn’t treat a girl so roughly.” 

“Then don’t fucking touch him like that.” Kaneki spat, but compiled and released his grip on her.

Rize rubbed her shoulder and pouted, acting dramatic like Kaneki had seriously hurt her. (Well, maybe he did. He  _ did _ tear her off rather violently.) Kaneki rolled his eyes and walked over to stand beside Hide. “I want you to stay away from him.”

“Uh—” Hide began. He’d never seen Kaneki act like this before.

“Wow, such a jealous and controlling friend. We were just  _ talking _ .” Rize rolled her eyes. “I’d drop him if I were you, Hide-san. Well, I’d better be off! See you boys around!” She winked at them and then walked off.

Kaneki groaned in annoyance, and then glanced at Hide and gave him a once-over.

“You okay?”

“Kaneki,” Hide sighed, “I can take care of myself.”

Kaneki frowned. “But she was bothering you. Making you uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, but I could have handled her. You didn’t have to make a scene.” Hide said as he rubbed his shoulder with a light moan.

“What’s wrong?”

“You kinda... messed up my shoulder when you tore her off me. You really didn’t need to be so harsh with her.”

“Sorry...” Kaneki whispered sheepishly.

“What’d she do to piss you off so much? I’ve never seen you like this. Like, ever.”

“She... She, uh— She’s got a record.”

“Yeah, she seems like the type.” Hide agreed with a nod. “I know better than to get into a relationship with her, okay? So you don’t have to worry about me!”

Hide pat his friend on the back and then walked away.

Hide thought Kaneki’s earlier fit of anger was just a one-time thing. But after that event with Rize, Kaneki had been acting weird all day. He kept staring at Hide, but whenever Hide looked at him Kaneki would quickly turn away. This happened all morning.

Finally, Hide decided to say something about it.

“Hey, Kaneki, is everything—? Whoa, watch it!”

Hide had been walking over towards Kaneki to talk to him, when Kaneki suddenly turned around and crashed right into Hide, spilling his drink on him.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Kaneki cried out.

Hide looked down, to see dark purple fluid spilled on the front of his shirt.

“Agh, aw man...” Hide muttered. “I liked this shirt...”

Kaneki set his cup of juice on the ground, and stripped off his jacket before shoving it into Hide’s arms.

“Here, you can use this to cover it up.”

Mourning the loss of his white shirt, Hide pouted as he stared at the offered jacket. “Alright... Thanks...”

“I’m so sorry...” Kaneki whispered, now sounding a lot more genuine than he had a few seconds ago.

“It’s alright. It’s not like you meant to do it...”

“Right...” Kaneki muttered, rubbing his chin.

_ Wait, what? He did mean to do it? But why? _

“Anyway, it’s almost time for Asian History.”

Kaneki headed off, and Hide followed right behind him. 

Kaneki zoned out as their teacher began a new lesson in Asian History. Normally he could focus in his classes, but not today. 

_ I gotta calm down. _

Over the past week and a half, Rize had begun playing around with Hide, taking every chance she could to talk and flirt with him. She was just doing it to piss Kaneki off, and it was working, which just pissed him off even more.

_ “You are so easy to get upset when it comes to your human friend, Kaneki-san~!!”  _ Rize had told him, in that innocent tone of hers before she laughed at him.

Kaneki grit his teeth, and accidentally snapped his pencil in half. He flinched at the sound, and Hide glanced back at him.

“What was that?” Hide whispered.

“Nothing!” Kaneki whisper-shouted back, slamming his hands down over the two halves of his pencil to hide it.

Hide raised an eyebrow.

“You should pay attention to this part.” Kaneki said, gesturing to their teacher writing on the chalkboard.

“Fine, fine.” Hide muttered as he turned back around.

Kaneki glanced at the back collar of Hide’s jacket. It was Kaneki’s jacket, and it had Kaneki’s scent on it.

Kaneki smiled. It was successfully covering up Rize’s scent after she touched him earlier. Kaneki knew he wouldn’t have been able to put up with her scent lingering on his best friend all day.

But he also felt guilty, since getting Hide to wear it had come at the sacrifice of his new white shirt. 

_ Why can’t Rize-san just leave me alone? She’s so immature. _

The next day, Hide wore Kaneki’s jacket again, intending to return it to him. He was waiting outside Kamii for Kaneki to meet up with him before their classes started.

“Ah, hello Hide-san!”

“Rize-san? You’re here again?”

Rize nodded. “I just walked my friend here. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“Kamii seems like a nice school. Do you like it?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“What’s your major?” Rize kept glancing around her as she talked. Most people might write it off as her being air-headed, but Hide knew she had to be keeping an eye out for something.

“English.” Hide answered.

“Ah, that’s interesting. Do you plan to move to a another country?”

“No, probably not. I just take interest in other kinds of cultures and people. I’ll probably get a job as a translator or something.”

“Oh, here comes Kaneki-san.”

Hide turned his head in the direction Rize was looking, and saw Kaneki walking over. As soon as Kaneki saw Rize, he hurried into a run.

“I’ll be off now. Bye~!” Rize suddenly lunged, squeezing Hide in a bear-hug, pressing her body against his and nearly crushing him with her strength. She hummed lovingly in his ear, like she was hugging an adorable animal instead of a fellow human being — one she hardly knew, at that.

And then she suddenly released and ran off, giggling. Kaneki caught up to Hide a second too late. He grunted in frustration at not making it in time to catch Rize. Then he stepped closer to Hide, giving him a once-over and then glaring.

“What?” Hide asked.

“N-nothing.” Kaneki looked away, but he seemed to be pouting.

“Jealous?” Hide teased with a smirk.

“As if!” Kaneki screamed as he swiveled to face him.

“Whoa, hey, sorry!!!” Hide put his arms up placatingly. Kaneki had never yelled at him like that before. Kaneki had never yelled at him, period. “It was just a joke!”

Kaneki grimaced. “Sorry...”

“Yeesh, you really hate her...” Hide muttered, rubbing his arm. It was a little sore after Rize’s bone-crushing hug. “Oh right! Your jacket!” Hide began to take it off.

“No.” Kaneki said, scrunching up his nose. “Keep it.”

“Why? I swear I didn’t spill anything on it!”

“No, I didn’t think you— Nevermind.”

Hide blinked. “...So do you want it back or not?”

Kaneki sighed. “Doesn’t matter.”

_ It’s just a jacket. What is with him lately?  _

Kaneki held out a hand, and Hide took off the jacket and gave it back to him. 

“Hi, Touka-chan!” Hide greeted as he entered Anteiku.

“Hello, Nagachika.” Touka replied. She was behind the counter pouring coffee. “Kaneki’s changing right now. And I’ll be over in a minute with your usual.”

Hide shot her a big smile. “Thank you!”

Ever since Kaneki got a job here in his teen years, Hide became a regular. Touka was his favorite waiter. Well, second to Kaneki. Hide had a big crush on her years ago, and although it wasn’t quite as strong now, it still managed to persist.

“Kaneki!” Hide cried out happily once he saw his best friend enter from the backroom.

Kaneki laughed. “Hey, Hide.” He walked over and sat across from him.

“We still on for tonight?” Hide asked. 

“Of course!” Kaneki nodded.

The two of them were going to study together, and then have a movie night. 

“You sure? You’re not gonna cancel on me last minute like last time?”

Kaneki grimaced. “I said I was sorry. Something just—” 

“Suddenly came up.” Hide finished. “I know, I know.”

Touka walked over, and set down a cappuccino for Hide and a black coffee for Kaneki.

“Hey, Touka-chan! You should come and hang out with us sometime!” Hide said.

“I can’t. I’m busy.” Touka replied. She didn’t even bother to stay and chat; she immediately walked away to return behind the counter.

“But I didn’t even say a day or time!” Hide called out to her.

“I know; I’ve got a lot going on.” She shot back, a bit of irritation in her voice. 

She was always either overly sweet toward him or annoyed with him — there was no in-between. 

Hide continued, “But there’s gotta be a time when—” 

“Leave her alone, Hide.” Kaneki cut him off gently. “She’s got school, exams, work, not to mention friends of her own.”

Hide pouted. “I know, but... It’s been years since you introduced me to her and she’s never hung out with us!”

Hide glanced back at Touka at the counter. She wasn’t paying either of them any attention at all anymore.

“Touka-chan’s...” Kaneki paused. “...not too much of a social person.” 

“Neither are you. Yet you still hang out with me.”

“Well, that’s because I’ve known you for so long that I’ve come out of my shell. Or rather, you dragged me out of it.”

Hide frowned. Kaneki seemed to be avoiding something. But Hide didn’t want to push, so he changed the subject.

“Did you hear about that ghoul attack?”

Kaneki gave him a look, wondering how in the world his thought process changed to that. “Which one?”

“The most recent one. At the Takada Building, haven’t you heard?”

“Uh...” Kaneki shrugged helplessly. 

Hide groaned. “I swear, one day you’re gonna walk into an active crime scene because you don’t watch the news!”

“Hide, a ghoul attack has never even been close to us before.”

“That doesn’t mean it can’t happen!” Hide cried. “And the Takada Building  _ is _ close! The closest a ghoul attack has ever been to us!”

“Yeah, but...” Kaneki trailed off.

“Anyway, this recent ghoul attack? Real nasty. Like, they said the  _ last _ one was bad, but this one was even worse.”

“The Binge Eater ghoul, huh?” Kaneki asked, voice flat.

Hide nodded. “They think so.”

“Scary stuff...” Kaneki muttered.

“Don’t worry, Kaneki! I’ll protect you!” Hide called out, tapping his chest triumphantly.

Kaneki smiled amusingly. “You’ll be my hero.”


	4. Chapter 4

Kaneki didn’t even bother to drag the girl’s body that far back into the alley. He was starving; far too hungry to wait any longer. He pounced on the corpse and ate, not holding anything back. Not _able_ to hold anything back.

“Kaneki?”

Upon hearing his name, Kaneki turned his head to the source of the voice. He hadn’t thought much of it — he was too hungry to question it, and since the person had called out his name instead of screaming mindlessly, he assumed that he wasn’t in any danger. It just had to be some ghoul he knew.

But once he saw exactly who it was, he froze. His jaw dropped, and the piece of meat that had been in his mouth fell onto the ground.

It was Hide. 

Of all people in the 20th Ward that could have caught him gorging himself like an animal, it just had to be his one and only human friend.

Hide’s eyes were blown wide in fear, and he was just staring at him. Kaneki was staring at him right back, like a deer caught in the headlights.

_My life is over I’m dead I’m dead I’m as good as dead._

Kaneki’s heart was pounding, but he was still frozen right where he was, crouched over the human corpse.

“I-I’m...!” Hide stammered out. He seemed to be shaking.“I-I’m sorry!” He took one large step back, turned around, and ran.

Kaneki became unfrozen as his instincts finally kicked in. He jumped to his feet and ran after Hide, catching up in less than a second. He grabbed Hide by the back of his jacket, and pulled him back into the alleyway.

Hide grunted as Kaneki roughly shoved him against the alley wall. And then Kaneki put a hand around his throat, and lifted. Hide’s feet were dangling a foot or two off the ground. 

Hide was staring Kaneki in the face, unable to do much of anything else. Kaneki’s kakugan were still activated, and there was still blood smeared on his face. 

He looked like a monster.

_What do I do? What do I do?_

Despite the intimidating and angry glare he was giving Hide, Kaneki was panicking inside.

It had just been his instinct to grab Hide and start strangling him. It was best for ghouls to immediately kill anyone who found out about them. Kill, and make sure the truth of them being a ghoul didn’t spread. 

Hide had his hands on Kaneki’s arm, trying to get him to release, but other than that he wasn’t really putting up a fight. Hide was trying to breathe, trying to speak, but he couldn’t with Kaneki’s hand around his throat. He was choking, and saliva pooled in his mouth.

 _He’s dying!_ Kaneki realized. _I’m killing him! What am I doing?!_

Kaneki quickly released his grip and stepped back, and Hide fell onto the ground. He was barely able to keep himself upright, and he was coughing and rubbing his throat. He looked dazed and his eyes were squinted, as if he was fighting to stay conscious.

_He’s... so fragile. I almost killed him._

Kaneki had no idea what to do. He couldn’t kill Hide, but he also couldn’t let Hide run off and tell anyone that he was a ghoul. He didn’t know what to do, and he knew his time to decide was running out. Once Hide recovered enough he would surely try to make another run for it.

“I’m sorry!” Hide forced out, voice hoarse.

Kaneki grimaced. He knew what was coming next. Hide would start begging for Kaneki to spare his life. He might not call him a monster outright, but he would surely be thinking it.

Hide cleared his throat, and then continued. 

“I’m sorry for startling you! I didn’t know you were a ghoul! But I... I’m still your friend, Kaneki!”

Kaneki scoffed, covering his face with his hand. They were still friends, huh? After Hide had just caught him eating? The corpse was still laying there, just a few feet away from them. Kaneki was still covered in blood and he couldn’t get his kakugan to deactivate, and here Hide was saying he still wanted to be friends?

“You’re just saying that so I don’t eat you.” Kaneki spat.

He was such an idiot for not being more careful. He was a monster for having hunger that bad. For having a craving for human flesh in the first place. For ever thinking that he could blend in and pretend to be human. For ever thinking that he could have a lifelong human friend.

“No!” Hide cried out. “No, I’m not! I swear!”

Kaneki sighed in defeat. He bent down, and Hide flinched and tensed, before swearing under his breath at his reaction. Kaneki did his best to give him a soft smile, despite the kakugan and the blood and the corpse behind him.

_You probably look like a terrifying freak._

Kaneki let his smile drop. He let himself fall backwards as he shifted into a cross-legged sitting position. He wasn’t sure how else to show that he wasn’t going to be a threat to Hide. He was so used to always needing to prove his strength, to always have his guard up and be as intimidating as possible to keep other ghouls from wanting to pick fights. He wasn’t sure how to show his gentle side at the same time as his ghoul side to a human.

Yet somehow, what he did seemed to work. Hide sighed in relief, and then stood up.

“I’m sorry. Again.” Hide said awkwardly. He slowly walked around Kaneki, without taking his eyes off him. “You just go ahead and, uh, finish. Sorry for interrupting!” And then he turned and hurried away, pretty nonchalantly despite what had just happened. But if you looked closely, you could still see him shaking.

Kaneki knew it was entirely possible that once he was out of eyesight Hide would run off to report him to the CCG, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He knew he couldn’t bring himself to kill or even threaten Hide. 

So he went back to his meal like it was a normal hunt, and acted like nothing had ever even happened. 

\---

Kaneki was nervous the next day stepping into Kamii. He was on guard, waiting for people to start screaming when they saw him, or CCG officials to walk up and ask him questions. Or even to have someone aim a ghoul weapon at him and fire on the spot with no questions asked. But nothing happened, and everyone acted normal.

_Maybe he was too afraid to tell anyone..._

Kaneki went on with his classes and his day, and then lunch came. Still everything had been normal, and no one seemed to know he was a ghoul. He was off the hook. For now, at least.

For lunch, Kaneki sat at the same table he usually did. Unlike most days, Hide wasn’t there when he walked up.

_I doubt he’s even at school today. He’s probably afraid to see me..._

Kaneki set his food and drink on the table and then sat down.

_When he comes back to Kamii, what should I do?_

_I guess just avoid him... Keep my distance from him and maybe, just maybe, he won’t report me. Just a mutual, fearful respect of each other... Yeah..._

_We’ll still have Asian History together, though... That’ll be rough..._

Kaneki sighed, and he took a bite of human food. He cringed at the awful taste.

_I’ll miss him though... It was nice to have a human friend..._

He felt lonely already. This was the first time he would be spending lunch alone. Even days when Hide had been absent, he would make sure to send Kaneki texts during lunchtime.

“Hey! Sorry I’m late!”

Kaneki nearly choked on his food as Hide ran up, waving at him and smiling.

“Whoa! You okay?”

“Yeah.” Kaneki muttered as he took a sip of coffee to clear his throat. “But... why are you here?”

“I always sit here with you.” Hide replied as he sat down across from Kaneki and took a big bite of his lunch.

Guilt stabbed at Kaneki’s chest. He sighed in exasperation and ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t need to— You don’t need to keep pretending to be my friend. I’m not gonna do anything to you. You can just— move on and I’ll leave you alone.”

Hide blinked, and said through a mouthful of food, “But I’m... not pretending...?”

“Huh?”

“I wasn’t lying yesterday. You’re still my friend, Kaneki.”

Kaneki blinked. He wanted to ask Hide more questions, get down to what exactly Hide thought of him, but he couldn’t ask out in public like this. So he just looked down and continued his lunch.

“Why are you eating that? I thought ghouls couldn’t eat human food?” Hide asked, not bothering to lower his voice at all.

Kaneki flinched. “Shhh!” He glanced around. Thankfully, all other students were sitting far off and no one had overheard.

“What?” Hide asked innocently. “No one’s around.”

“You can’t be too careful.” Kaneki sighed again, even more exasperated. “Sheesh. Keep it subtle. You’re killing me.”

_And if you keep this up, you might actually get me killed._

_Maybe that’s his plan. Out me in public so I can’t risk attacking him._

“Sorry.” Hide replied with a wince. He seemed to mean it. “But still, my question still stands. Why?”

Kaneki poked at the human food on his plate with his fork. “Well, it’d be obvious if I didn’t eat anything...”

“I guess...” Hide replied. “But no one really pays attention to stuff like that.”

“I can’t risk it.” Kaneki said with a small shrug.

Hide pouted. “At least skip eating for today? Please? I’ll eat your food for you!”

Hide snatched the silverware out of Kaneki’s hand. Then with his other hand, Hide took Kaneki’s tray and moved it onto his side of the table. He took a bite of Kaneki’s food, shooting Kaneki a determined look. 

“Yum!” Hide declared.

Kaneki just blinked at him.

Then Hide reached out for Kaneki’s cup.

Kaneki quickly grabbed Hide’s wrist before he could take his drink away.

“Ghouls can drink coffee.” He whispered. 

“Oh, right. Sorry.” Hide pulled his hand away.

“...Thanks, though.” Kaneki took a sip of his drink.

Hide started rambling on about something, jumping around to different subjects as one story reminded him of something else entirely. Kaneki just listened in with a small content smile, still in denial that Hide was actually still his friend.

 **_He knows._ **The words repeated in Kaneki’s head. 

Everything felt so different about their relationship, and yet at the same time nothing did.

\---

Hide sat in front of Kaneki in Asian History, just as he always had. And class happened as usual.

Once class was over, Kaneki packed up his things and Hide leaned in toward him.

“Hey, can I come over after Kamii?” Hide asked.

Kaneki froze, and looked up at him. “What?”

“I think you heard me. Can I?”

“W-why?”

“Cuz I think we need to talk about some things...” 

“Okay...” Kaneki said, voice small. He stood up and headed off to his next class before Hide could say anything else.

\---

Despite his nonchalant attitude when he had agreed, Kaneki was scared for Hide to come over. It had been a few hours since then, and while he was mulling over his rash decision to even allow Hide to come over, various bad scenarios of Hide betraying him played in his mind. 

Kaneki was absolutely terrified for Hide to come over, but at least it being in _his_ apartment instead of Hide’s took some of the edge off it. He would be in his own turf, where he felt comfortable and safe.

There was a knock on his door, and Kaneki took a few moments to psych himself up and then went to answer it. Despite knowing from the rhythm of the knock that it was Hide, Kaneki was still expecting CCG officials to be there outside his door instead.

“Thanks for letting me come over!” Hide called out, stepping inside. He took his shoes and coat off.

“Um... You’re welcome...” Kaneki replied awkwardly. “What exactly did you wanna talk about?”

Hide waited until Kaneki closed and locked the door. “I wanted to talk about... you being a ghoul.”

“Hide.” Kaneki said firmly. “I’m telling you the truth. I don’t need you to keep acting like my friend. You don’t need to force yourself to be around me. I’m not going to eat you or kill you or hurt you. So just... move on, okay? Please?”

“Kaneki.” Hide said firmly in return. He grabbed Kaneki’s shoulders and shook him. “Get this through your thick ghoul skull: I’m not acting or pretending. I truly do want to keep being your friend, you dork!”

Kaneki grabbed Hide’s arms and stopped Hide from shaking him. “What? Why? You... You saw what I did, Hide...” He closed his eyes and looked away in shame.

“I know. And to be honest, I’m still trying to deal with that...” Hide admitted. He walked further into Kaneki’s apartment and pulled out a kitchen chair before taking a seat. “But we’ve known each other for too long. I know you, and last night— that wasn’t you. Not all of you, at least. Or maybe it _is_ you, just out of context. I don’t know.” Hide shrugged. “But I _want_ to know. So please, explain last night, and anything else you think I need to know.”

Kaneki sighed as he took a seat beside Hide.

“Where do I begin?” He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t — This is so new to me...”

“Well, it is to me too.” Hide laughed awkwardly. “Although, it’s... actually not _that_ much of a surprise, I guess.”

Kaneki glanced up. “Huh?”

“Something always felt a little off about you...” Hide replied. “Nothing bad, I swear! I can’t even really describe it. Just, sometimes... certain people give me a certain kind of vibe and I wondered if they could maybe be ghouls. And one of those people was you. But everyone always seemed human, and I don’t really know how to tell the difference between a human and a ghoul in the first place...”

“There isn’t really a way...” Kaneki said. “I mean, I’m a... a ghoul... and sometimes I have difficulty figuring it out.” He made a face. “Although that’s mainly because I have a bad sense of smell.”

“Smell?” Hide asked. “You can scent like a dog?”

“Ghouls can, yeah. Like I just said though, not so much _me_ since my sense of smell isn’t great.”

“But you probably have a better sense of smell than me?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“And other senses too?” Hide asked, growing interested. “Which ones?!”

“Yeah, ghouls have enhanced senses. And, uh... all of them...?”

“Wow!”

Kaneki cracked a smile. It was kind of nice to talk about this freely. Other ghouls didn’t show excitement over normal ghoul things, after all.

“And I just found out yesterday from you that ghouls apparently have cool red eyes!” Hide continued.

Kaneki shot him a questioning look. “Cool?” 

He remembered Hide’s fear of him last night.

“Okay, fine...” Hide fidgeted with his hands. “I’ll be honest, it was... kinda creepy.”

“I’m sorry.” Kaneki whispered. “I’m sorry I scared and attacked you yesterday.”

“I’m sorry I... walked in on you.”

“That’s my fault. I should have been more careful...”

_No. You shouldn’t have been hunting in the first place. You monster._

Kaneki flinched at his thoughts.

“About yesterday...” Hide began. “Did you really... Did you really... hunt or did you just... happen to find the body?”

“I hunted...” Kaneki admitted, turning his head away.

“Do you... do that often?”

Kaneki looked back at Hide and shook his head. “No! No, I don’t! I swear! I only do it when I have no other choice. Usually I can get food without hurting people. But other times... it doesn’t work out like that...”

“How?”

“Huh?”

“How do you get food without hurting people?” Hide asked. “I mean, I figured it was possible. I just... can’t really think of any ways myself?”

“We — I get it from suicides. People that are already dead.”

“We?” Hide asked.

“I.” Kaneki quickly corrected.

_Ugh, I’m such a bad liar. Please don’t push, Hide._

Hide opened his mouth, but then shut it.

There was a moment or two of silence.

“Then...” Hide began slowly, “when you do hunt... Is it always like yesterday?”

Kaneki closed his eyes.

_Is it always starving and half-mad, dragging your kill to a dark, secluded spot to feed? Is it always gorging yourself, blocking out anything and everything else?_

“Do you always target people like that?” Hide finished.

Kaneki’s eyes snapped open. “Huh?”

“I heard the rumors around Kamii. She was... pretty awful, huh? Her boyfriend is still denying what the bruises are from. And I’m glad that one other girl — Kumiko? — that her friends got her help before she was able to commit suicide.”

“Yeah...” Kaneki breathed, glancing down. “Yeah, when I have no choice but to hunt, I try to go after bad people. I know I have no right to judge, but... Better them than someone innocent...”

“You don’t like it, do you?” Hide asked. “Killing?”

Kaneki glanced back up at Hide. The pitying look that he was giving Kaneki was the final straw.

“Of course I don’t!” Kaneki exclaimed. His eyes watered and he covered his face with his arm to try to hide it as the tears fell down. Covering his face did nothing to stop his voice from cracking, though. “I feel like shit! Each time! But if I don’t, then I risk hurting someone else! Someone innocent!”

Kaneki felt warm arms wrap around him in a hug.

“I risk hurting you!” Kaneki whispered hopelessly.

“I’m sorry you have to live like that...” Hide whispered back.

Kaneki couldn’t believe that Hide was hugging and comforting him. He didn’t deserve it. But he was grateful for it nonetheless. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in the crook of his friend’s neck.

“For the record, I didn’t think you were going to kill me last night. I mean, if you wanted to eat me you would have done it years ago. And if you wanted me dead last night, then I probably would have been dead the second we made eye contact.”

“But I strangled you!” Kaneki cried out. “I hurt you!”

Hide rubbed his throat with one hand. He could still feel the ghost of Kaneki’s tight grip. “Yeah, you did. But I knew you weren’t actually going to kill me. I knew you just had to be scared.”

“You have too much faith in me.” Kaneki whispered. 

“Well, I don’t think you have enough faith in yourself.” Hide retorted gently.

There was a moment of silence as Hide let Kaneki think on that. 

Then, Kaneki sighed and pulled out of the embrace. “I’m so sorry. You should have never found out that way. You should have never needed to see that.”

Hide looked away. The image of Kaneki from last night still haunted him — covered in blood, glowing red eyes on black sclera, a dead body behind him. Hide knew it was Kaneki, yet he still couldn’t quite connect what he saw to actually being Kaneki.

“I was scared, but... more-so I was worried about you. I mean, I know that ghouls remain hidden, and I kind of low-key figured that you were one. Not for sure, but still. And then I walked in on you and— I just felt really bad. Like, first off, snooping in an alley like that is stupid and dangerous.”

“Yeah, it is.” Kaneki interrupted with a light chuckle.

“But, I... I scared _you_ , too. And I just— wanted to leave and forget about it. But of course, suddenly running off in a situation like that kind of gives the wrong impression.”

“So then, what? If I hadn’t seen you, you would have just walked away and met me at my place and acted like everything was normal?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Jeez.” Kaneki whispered, shaking his head in exasperation. “And here I thought, you’d be hating me. Thinking I was a monster. Thinking that, I was one of those awful ghouls on the news. Like, I don’t know, the Takada Building ghoul or something.”

“No.” Hide whispered. “No no no! I know that not all ghouls are like that! I know that it's just a small minority, same as when there’s human murderers on tv!”

“Thank you.” Kaneki smiled at him. “For understanding.”

Hide smiled back at him. “Of course.”

Kaneki squirmed a bit. “Um. I’m gonna get some water.” He stood up. “Do you want anything?”

“Can I have some too?”

Kaneki nodded, then walked off.

Hide tapped his fingers against his knee. There was so much to think about. Kaneki was a ghoul. He always was one. For the longest time, Hide had no idea. There was probably so much going on that Hide never knew about. That he _couldn’t_ know about. That he couldn’t even begin to guess or understand.

It was a lot to take in. It was daunting.

Kaneki came back, and held out a glass of water. Hide took it and took a sip. Kaneki sat back down beside him and took a sip as well.

“What now?” Kaneki asked after a few moments.

“What?”

“What are we going to do now? About this?” Kaneki gestured vaguely to himself. “Are we just going to pretend this never happened? What are you...” He trailed off.

 _What are you thinking?_ Kaneki surely wanted to ask.

Hide shrugged half-heartedly. “Whatever you want, I guess. But... I’d like to talk about stuff if it's okay with you. Ghoul stuff. Nothing big. I just have questions.”

Kaneki nodded slowly. “That’s fine.”

“Yeah? You’re sure?”

Kaneki gave him a little smile. “I figured you’d have questions.”

Hide reached out to grab Kaneki’s hand and squeeze. Kaneki tensed. 

“You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.”

“O-okay.”

He looked uncomfortable, so Hide pulled his hand back.

_Right. He doesn’t like to be touched. Is it a ghoul thing? Is it weird to be close to and touch a human?_

Hide blinked.

_I’m a human. He’s a ghoul. He eats humans. This is so weird. What does he think of me? Of humanity?_

But he was still Kaneki. He was still the sweet and kind and loving person he had always been.

“Hey.” Hide began. “Do you want to have that movie night, since we didn’t get to yesterday?”

Kaneki smiled and nodded. “Sure.”

They hurried around Kaneki’s apartment, getting everything ready. Just as Hide hoped, there was no awkwardness or tension between them anymore. They had settled back into their old habits.

They sat side by side on Kaneki’s bed, both curled up in blankets and with a bowl of popcorn between them.

As the movie started, Hide snacked on it. And then after a few minutes, Kaneki reached his hand out to grab a handful.

Hide lightly smacked his hand. “Oi!”

Kaneki flinched and pulled his hand back. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

“You don’t have to fake anything around me anymore, okay?”

“...Okay.”

Hide tried to pay attention to the movie, but every so often his mind kept drifting off. He wanted to figure it out. He _had_ to figure it out.

Kaneki was a ghoul. What were the signs? What was he missing? What had he been oblivious to?

He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t even scared. He just wanted to know. He felt like he had a responsibility to correct any harm that he might have caused. And to prevent it going forward.

\---

Hide hadn’t realized the movie ended and the credits had been rolling until Kaneki shifted to grab the remote and turn the tv off.

There was a moment of silence. 

“Okay, so don’t freak out.” Hide began.

They had been silent for the whole movie. Now that it was over, Hide wanted to talk. And he wanted some answers.

Kaneki groaned nervously. _This doesn’t sound good,_ he was thinking.

“I have a theory.” Hide continued. “But before I say it, I swear I’m not going to turn anyone in to the CCG. Not you, and no one you know either. Okay? Do you believe me?”

Kaneki searched his human friend’s face. Hide looked genuine. 

“Okay.”

“Alright, so my theory is: Anteiku is a ghoul organization.”

“What the hell...” Kaneki muttered.

“Am I right?”

“How did you know?”

“Well, you work there, for one. And have for a while. And you’re close to everyone there. And they all seemed guarded around me.”

Kaneki shook his head in disbelief. “Y-Yeah. It is. It’s— We’re all ghouls.”

“Is it okay that I go there so often?” Hide asked. “Is it okay if I still go there?”

“If you want to.” Kaneki shrugged. “It’s not, like, ghouls only or anything. Humans are welcome to come. It’s not dangerous. But... most of our customers _are_ ghouls. I don’t think too many of them would, but— Just be careful around the area. You’re safe inside Anteiku, but the area outside is pretty much fair game for any ghouls who want to hunt.”

“Okay.” Hide whispered. “But... is Anteiku safe? Like, if I ever get into trouble, could I head there?”

“I mean, don’t shout about ghouls the second you enter.” Kaneki said awkwardly. “And please don’t tell any of my coworkers that you know they’re ghouls, either. But, yeah. No one’s allowed to hurt any humans inside the shop. So you’d be safe there.”

“Even if I’m the only human there?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I guess killing humans in the shop would be bad for business, huh?” Hide cracked a smile.

“We’re not like that.” Kaneki whispered.

“Ah, no, I didn’t mean— It was a joke. Insensitive, though, sorry.”

“Oh.” Kaneki whispered. “Well, we’re not. Anteiku doesn’t kill anyone. We can’t stop other ghouls from hunting around the area, but Anteiku doesn’t hurt anyone itself. And we won’t stand for it inside the shop.”

“So, hold on. Let me get this straight. Anteiku is a ghoul organization, and they don’t kill anyone.”

Kaneki nodded.

“And you, you typically feed from suicides.” 

Kaneki swallowed nervously, but nodded.

“But occasionally, you do have to kill to get food.”

Kaneki ducked his head down, but nodded.

“How often? Like, on average?”

“I don’t know.” Kaneki whispered. “1 or 2 times a year?”

“And is it true that you guys need a body a month?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Hide whispered. “Um. Thanks for being honest.”

Kaneki nodded timidly.

_That... isn’t that bad. It could be much worse, at least._

“I’m sorry for giving you all that food back in high school. I shouldn’t have pushed you to take it and eat it.”

“It’s not your fault; it was my Aunt’s. You were just concerned and being a good friend. A _great_ friend. It really meant a lot.”

“Was there any way I could have helped you?” Hide asked.

Kaneki shook his head. “Probably not. But it's alright. I got through it.”

Hide looked sad and helpless. He was pitying younger Kaneki.

“Actually,” Kaneki began. “You giving me that food _did_ help.”

“Like, emotionally?” 

Kaneki shook his head. “No. Well, yes, but also, I was worried about myself starving and losing control. But eating that food helped me keep myself full and in-control, even if I didn’t get any actual nutrition out of it.”

“But didn’t it make you sick?”

Kaneki chuckled. “It did. But I’d rather feel sick than hurt someone.”

Hide nodded slowly. He was beginning to understand.

Hide glanced at the clock. He had college classes early tomorrow and Kaneki had work.

“Well, it’s getting late. I’ll get out of your hair now.” Hide took the popcorn bowl and went into the kitchen to quickly wash it out.

“Um, okay.” Kaneki hovered in his bedroom doorway, watching Hide.

“We’re still friends, okay?” Hide called out. He had to say that one more time before he left.

Kaneki nodded. “Yeah. ...Thanks.”

Hide smiled. “Well, see ya tomorrow.” He grabbed his things and headed off.


End file.
